Shopmama Blog #3: Breast Intentions...Read at your own discretion

3/30/10

To breastfeed, or not to breastfeed: that is the question.

It bugs me that women feel pressured to breastfeed. It’s annoying and unfair that there’s a social stigma attached to women who choose not to breastfeed. You may argue whether such a stigma exists, but deep down, you know it does.

Breastfeeding didn’t work for me. I wanted to nurse my first child. In fact, I was all gung-ho about it, but no one told me it might not come easily. I worked with lactation consultants in the hospital. We pulled, stretched, squished, rubbed, and shoved my breasts to no avail. It was just too hard for me to watch my baby squirm, cry, and be frustrated with my ‘inefficient’ breasts. I decided to pump instead, and I ended up pumping successfully for 7 months. However, to an extent, I still felt like I’d failed. I could’ve tried harder. I should’ve tried harder. So, when I had the twins, I decided to give it another go. I worked with lactation consultants in the hospital. We pulled, stretched, squished, rubbed and shoved my breasts. We tried shields and softshells. The babies got frustrated and cried. I had more patience this time around, but I didn’t have new breasts. I eventually got frustrated too. The feeling of failure started creeping its way back until one lactation consultant finally said, “this just might not work for you…and that’s okay.” I ended up choosing to pump again. In no time, I was a milk-producing machine. I pump mass amounts of milk. Literally. My record is 24oz in 25 minutes (and this has happened more than once). My average is 18-20oz in 20 minutes. The proof is in the photo:

My babies are now 5 months old and I keep up with their eating habits just fine. I’m not saying pumping is the most convenient activity, especially with two babies and a toddler running around, but it works for me. Yes, I still feel slightly inadequate at times. I find myself explaining why I’m pumping and not breastfeeding. Why does it matter? It’s disappointing that I’ve second guessed myself so many times because of a stigma. No mother should ever feel such inadequacies. As parents, we make choices we hope we can handle. We do the best we can for our children. I sometimes wonder whether my babies will be scarred from lack of skin-to-skin bonding, but then I look at my beautifully well-rounded, self-confident, amazing toddler, and I know I made the right decision. I’m confident my decision to pump was right for the twins too. Either way, they’re still gettin’ the best of me!